Some might say that I'm overly protective of my shadow. My response to these people is a polite, "SCREW YOU!" They obviously do not understand the unique connection we share. Some say that imitation is the highest form of flattery. If that's the case, then my dear shadow is extremely flattering. We've been through quite a lot. For instance, this morning my shadow was guiding my feet to history and someone down right stomped on top of him!! Poor thing. If he wasn't already flat, I imagine it would have hurt him quite a lot. But he's resilient like that. Never shows any sign of weakness (or emotion for that matter). He just kept sliding along the concrete, silently leading the way.
After history, I was excited to greet my shadow outside (don't be fooled by indoor incandescent shadows... they're just cheap imitations). Stepping out onto slender blades of grass I glanced down, but to my disrepair my shadow was gone! I looked up, then glared at the culprit. Nasty, wispy clouds of gray smothered the sky with smug satisfaction. Greedily flowing in all directions, I nearly expected to be spat on, and consider myself down right lucky that I wasn't. The way the clouds smoldered the sun gave me chills. I realized that these glutton thieves were relentless in their indulgence-- not a single shadow had been left behind. Dejected, I walked home with sulking shoulders and lonely feet.
If that story didn't shake you to the core, then you're actually a robot and not a human being. It's a widely accepted fact (so you might as well embrace it now if you didn't know). The good news is that shadows have more lives then cats and my shadow was there to greet me the next morning on my way to work. Sure, some may say that shadows are pointless, but those people are way stupid. At a recent book signing (for my new book "The Shadow and I"), a critic approached me wanting to argue the importance of having a shadow. She smugly stated, "This book is a load of garbage! Shadows are useless byproducts of the sun and nothing more. Can my shadow hold my Italian Caffè latte when I'm petting a parrot in the park after dark? No. Can my shadow deep sea dive for buried treasure when I'm sick in bed? No. Can my shadow be my designated driver when I go clubbing with my ladies in West Philadelphia and we get in one little fight and our mom's get scared and tell us that we're moving to our Aunties and Uncle's houses in Blaire? No. Instead we have to whistle for some cabs and when they come near the license plates always say 'Fresh' and have dice in their mirrors. If anything we'd say that these cabs are rare, but no... just forget it, because who really cares?" And then, I just looked at her and said, "You're way stupid."
I urge you to take better care of your shadows and show them a little TLC from time to time. If you'd like to learn how to nurture your shadow, pick up a copy of my book "5 Secrets to Love: A Baker's Guide to Gold-digging" for 7 easy payments of $52.31. You can purchase this book, file for bankruptcy, or learn guitar by clicking here: www.yourwaystupid.com. Thanks!
After history, I was excited to greet my shadow outside (don't be fooled by indoor incandescent shadows... they're just cheap imitations). Stepping out onto slender blades of grass I glanced down, but to my disrepair my shadow was gone! I looked up, then glared at the culprit. Nasty, wispy clouds of gray smothered the sky with smug satisfaction. Greedily flowing in all directions, I nearly expected to be spat on, and consider myself down right lucky that I wasn't. The way the clouds smoldered the sun gave me chills. I realized that these glutton thieves were relentless in their indulgence-- not a single shadow had been left behind. Dejected, I walked home with sulking shoulders and lonely feet.
If that story didn't shake you to the core, then you're actually a robot and not a human being. It's a widely accepted fact (so you might as well embrace it now if you didn't know). The good news is that shadows have more lives then cats and my shadow was there to greet me the next morning on my way to work. Sure, some may say that shadows are pointless, but those people are way stupid. At a recent book signing (for my new book "The Shadow and I"), a critic approached me wanting to argue the importance of having a shadow. She smugly stated, "This book is a load of garbage! Shadows are useless byproducts of the sun and nothing more. Can my shadow hold my Italian Caffè latte when I'm petting a parrot in the park after dark? No. Can my shadow deep sea dive for buried treasure when I'm sick in bed? No. Can my shadow be my designated driver when I go clubbing with my ladies in West Philadelphia and we get in one little fight and our mom's get scared and tell us that we're moving to our Aunties and Uncle's houses in Blaire? No. Instead we have to whistle for some cabs and when they come near the license plates always say 'Fresh' and have dice in their mirrors. If anything we'd say that these cabs are rare, but no... just forget it, because who really cares?" And then, I just looked at her and said, "You're way stupid."
I urge you to take better care of your shadows and show them a little TLC from time to time. If you'd like to learn how to nurture your shadow, pick up a copy of my book "5 Secrets to Love: A Baker's Guide to Gold-digging" for 7 easy payments of $52.31. You can purchase this book, file for bankruptcy, or learn guitar by clicking here: www.yourwaystupid.com. Thanks!
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1 comments:
This is the best thing that I have read all day! and I love it!
I promise to take better care of my shadow from now on. Thank you for showing me the error in my ways.
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